Stopping in a Cafe on the Yellow Brick Road, I noticed three moms who happened to be a can of peas, a can of asparagus and a can of black beans. There were at the next table and seemed upset, so I started a conversation…
Excuse me, cans. I don’t mean to butt in, but is everything okay?
ASPARAGUS: NO! I’m sitting here with a stamp on me that says, “Best by July 15.” That’s so soon! And I had nothing to do with creating that date! Who the hell has the right to say when I’m at my best? That’s my individual decision!!
PEAS: Exactly! My stamp says, “Enjoy by July 30.” It’s a mind game!
BLACK BEANS: I’m gonna die! I have an actual expiration date! In two weeks!
ASPARAGUS: It’s the power of suggestion that’s putting us over the edge.
I totally relate. The power of suggestion overtakes my life, too. I mean, when someone tells me I’m a good writer, I think I’m a good writer. And when someone says I’m a bad writer, I think I’m bad.
ASPARAGUS: That’s pretty screwed up.
PEAS: But it’s the same way we’re feeling. We’re emotionally trapped and can’t move on.
BLACK BEANS: I’m claustrophobic to begin with and this is not helping.
To be fair, you know you’re labeled with dates for health reasons. It’s a legal thing. It’s not personal.
ASPARAGUS: Yeah but, how are we supposed to live with ourselves?
I have an idea. But you’ll have to relocate.
BLACK BEANS: Everything’s a compromise. It never ends.
PEAS: Hit us with it.
You could move to my freezer.
ASPARAGUS: Oh wow! You would do that for us??
Yeah! I mean, if you don’t mind hanging out with my low fat ice cream. I’m trying to find my spark, and seeing you guys mustering up the strength to put yourselves in a totally new situation will really inspire me.
PEAS: Thanks, but no thanks. I hate the cold. It makes my skin hard as a rock. I’m not going.
BLACK BEANS: I’d miss my can. I don’t know if I could handle being in a flimsy freezer bag.
ASPARAGUS: Yeah… but… the freezer bag “look” could be awesome. OMG! We could go freezer bag shopping! Snap and seal! Slider tops! We’d look fabulous!
PEAS: And we could see out the front and the back. I could get into it.
BLACK BEANS: I hate change. And think about this! Would our kids visit us in the freezer? I don’t think so!!!!!
PEAS: The bottom line is, in the big picture, we wouldn’t have our expiration dates looming over us anymore.
Right! There are no specific expiration dates on freezer bags.
PEAS: It’s a more laid back lifestyle. The other problems it creates might fall into place somehow.
ASPARAGUS: That would be a huge relief.
BLACK BEANS: I’ll consider it.
Well, the invitation is open.
CONVERSATION WITH…CANNED FOODS FEARING THEIR EXPIRATION DATES: THE FOLLOWING WEEK
It looks like the cans of asparagus, black beans and peas made their move.
Congratulations! You look awesome in freezer bags! I love your purple and blue slider seals. It took amazing strength to push yourselves beyond those labels. And resilience. And–
BLACK BEANS: Will you close the door? We’re defrosting.
Oh. Right. Sorry.