Conversation With…The Witch from Hansel and Gretel…about her retiring stomach

/ overthehillontheyellowbrickroad

Over the Hill on the Yellow Brick Road, I came to a sign that said, “Hansel and Gretel’s Wicked Witch, This Way!” I followed the sign and anticipated seeing an old witch beside a house made of candy, cake and cookies. Instead, I found an aging witch who looked completely nauseated. She was sitting beside an empty plot of land. What happened to the house made of junk food? I had to ask!

WITCH VOMIT

Excuse me witch, what happened to your candy and cookie house? From your story?

WITCH: I ate it.

What? Why????

WITCH: I was lonely. I’m an emotional eater.

Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. I am, too.

WITCH: I feel like I’m gonna throw up.

I realize this is none of my business and my judgment might be off, but do you think eating the whole house at once was a bit too much?

WITCH: Honey, I’ve been eating my houses for years and it never upset my stomach. Every time children don’t stop by my house and I feel frustrated, angry and lonely, I wolf down a house. I wash it down with Coke Zero. Very satisfying.

So where do you live after that?

WITCH: I call The Gingerbread Boy’s mother and ask her to bake me another house. She’s fast and an amazing baker—does a lot more than gingerbread.

I see. So why do you think you’re suddenly feeling nauseated after eating just one house?

WITCH: That’s the million dollar question. I’ve had a lot of tests done—blood tests, fecal tests, an ultrasound, an endoscopy…but so far the doctors haven’t found anything wrong with my stomach. So Why why WHY every time I eat a house does my stomach hurt?

Well, you’re getting older. Like me. Maybe we can’t challenge our stomachs the way we used to. Maybe they just can’t handle being on overload anymore. I know I have to eat six smaller meals every day instead of three big ones.

WITCH: Are you suggesting I eat the first floor in the house for breakfast and the second floor a few hours later?

You could try it.  Also—your digestion problem might be stress related.

WITCH: Well, I’ll admit I’m lonelier than I used to be. Children never get lost in the woods anymore. They all have cells phones. So I sit around feeling sorry for myself and eat house after house and house after house–

Maybe you could make your candy and cookie houses easier to digest. Like, the shingle around the house could be made of high fiber cereal. I find that helps my digestion.

WITCH: Really?

Yes! And the doorknobs could made of banana slices. They go down pretty easily. And the shutters might be made of pieces of Ex-Lax. But only eat two at a time.

WITCH: Wait a minute. Let’s think this through.  What kid in his or her right mind would stop by and be tempted to eat a house like that?

I don’t know. Maybe you’ll have to change your victims. You could lure older adults with retiring stomachs into your house instead of children.

WITCH: But they won’t fit in my oven. Anyway, I’m not sure older adults will taste as good as children.

I can’t get involved on that level. But I’ll say this much. I think the least you can do is call The Gingerbread Man’s mother and see what kind of house she can bake that’s easier to digest.

WITCH: Nah. This plan isn’t wicked enough.

Okay fine. I tried to help.

WITCH: Hey wait. If I just go on eating candy and cookie houses and I STILL get bad stomach aches, what am I supposed to do about it?

Get a colonoscopy.

WITCH: I’ll see if the Gingerbread Man’s mother can make high fiber cereal shingles right now.

copyrightoverthehillontheyellowbrickroad 2018

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How do you deal with your stomach?

75 thoughts on “Conversation With…The Witch from Hansel and Gretel…about her retiring stomach”

  1. Somehow I don’t think the high fibre shingles will do it for her. I once (in my early “eat right, eat natural” days) baked a birthday cake for the Captain, using whole wheat flour. I might as well have used a glob of wet sawdust. It was awful, but the Captain bravely ate it (so I married him). I like to eat healthy, but I think the high fibre gingerbread house wouldn’t be as tasty for the witch, and we have to keep her happy as she has a job to do.

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  3. It seems that as I age, more and more body parts are getting finicky. My stomach doesn’t like raw onions anymore, my knees don’t like stairs, my neck never seems to like any position in which I sleep, and my hands can’t handle hours of knitting as in times past. I could go on, but I think you get the idea. And yes, I have to eat high fibre cereal!

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  9. Next time you run into her, suggest drinking more water. Works for me. But only water…no batches of potion mixed with water…only straight water. On second thought, don’t bother, she wouldn’t believe you or do what you say anyway. And it’s probably all of her “badness” coming out….that’s what my mom always said would eventually happen to people who did bad things. 🙂

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  18. Ah…yes, aging stomachs are a challenge. I find that a probiotic a day helps keep the healthy bacteria in the bay doing good things for my stomach. Yuck…I hate colonoscopies :-(! Great suggestions on healthier options to munch on!

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    • Is there a particular brand of probiotic you like best? If so, I’ll pass the name on to the witch (and will use the info myself while I’m at it). LOL. It’s a weird coincidence that the characters I happen to meet on the Yellow Brick Road have the same issues as I do.

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  20. You are so creative! I would have to have a gluten free house. 🙂 I was diagnosed with celiac 7 years ago. Was hard in the beginning but have adapted to it now and they have come out with a lot more gluten free options now of things to buy.

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  23. I did this some years ago – ask my Gingerbread Boy’s mother to bake something more easily digestive and since then I’ve ben having buckwheat grits for breakfast, lunch and supper every day. Did it make me any happier? No, but leaner. And that’s a good thing too.

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  26. Love this post. It is a humorous way to tackle a serious issue. My 92-year old grandma was staying with me and wasn’t taking her stool softener and I thought we were going to the emergency room. Luckily we got it under control. I have had to change my eating habits due to some allergies. I think that as our bodies change (from puberty on) what we can and cannot eat changes. Thanks for sharing this post. It is a great one. -Jill

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