Over the Hill on the Yellow Brick Road, I came to a sign that said, “Hansel and Gretel’s Wicked Witch, This Way!” I followed the sign and anticipated seeing an old witch beside a house made of candy, cake and cookies. Instead, I found an aging witch who looked completely nauseated. She was sitting beside an empty plot of land. What happened to the house made of junk food? I had to ask!
Excuse me witch, what happened to your candy and cookie house? From your story?
WITCH: I ate it.
WITCH: I was lonely. I’m an emotional eater.
Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. I am, too.
WITCH: I feel like I’m gonna throw up.
I realize this is none of my business and my judgment might be off, but do you think eating the whole house at once was a bit too much?
WITCH: Honey, I’ve been eating my houses for years and it never upset my stomach. Every time children don’t stop by my house and I feel frustrated, angry and lonely, I wolf down a house. I wash it down with Coke Zero. Very satisfying.
So where do you live after that?
WITCH: I call The Gingerbread Boy’s mother and ask her to bake me another house. She’s fast and an amazing baker—does a lot more than gingerbread.
I see. So why do you think you’re suddenly feeling nauseated after eating just one house?
WITCH: That’s the million dollar question. I’ve had a lot of tests done—blood tests, fecal tests, an ultrasound, an endoscopy…but so far the doctors haven’t found anything wrong with my stomach. So Why why WHY every time I eat a house does my stomach hurt?
Well, you’re getting older. Like me. Maybe we can’t challenge our stomachs the way we used to. Maybe they just can’t handle being on overload anymore. I know I have to eat six smaller meals every day instead of three big ones.
WITCH: Are you suggesting I eat the first floor in the house for breakfast and the second floor a few hours later?
You could try it. Also—your digestion problem might be stress related.
WITCH: Well, I’ll admit I’m lonelier than I used to be. Children never get lost in the woods anymore. They all have cells phones. So I sit around feeling sorry for myself and eat house after house and house after house–
Maybe you could make your candy and cookie houses easier to digest. Like, the shingle around the house could be made of high fiber cereal. I find that helps my digestion.
Yes! And the doorknobs could made of banana slices. They go down pretty easily. And the shutters might be made of pieces of Ex-Lax. But only eat two at a time.
WITCH: Wait a minute. Let’s think this through. What kid in his or her right mind would stop by and be tempted to eat a house like that?
I don’t know. Maybe you’ll have to change your victims. You could lure older adults with retiring stomachs into your house instead of children.
WITCH: But they won’t fit in my oven. Anyway, I’m not sure older adults will taste as good as children.
I can’t get involved on that level. But I’ll say this much. I think the least you can do is call The Gingerbread Man’s mother and see what kind of house she can bake that’s easier to digest.
WITCH: Nah. This plan isn’t wicked enough.
Okay fine. I tried to help.
WITCH: Hey wait. If I just go on eating candy and cookie houses and I STILL get bad stomach aches, what am I supposed to do about it?
Get a colonoscopy.
WITCH: I’ll see if the Gingerbread Man’s mother can make high fiber cereal shingles right now.